Hope Feeds the Ghost

Have I finally found the one?

I am not asking the question you think: Is this the person I love so truly that I will spend the remainder of my days with them, so perfectly compatible that I will never yearn for another human being's touch?

No. Cynics, rejoice. I am asking if this is the failed relationship that will end my desire to enter an emotional, spiritual, sexual bond again. I am asking if this is the failed relationship that will keep me guarded from falling again. I used to think that that was one of my most beautiful qualities--my ability to open up and fall in love again even after being hurt as a result of previous openings and fallings. I still think it is a beautiful quality. But I do not think it is one that I want anymore.

C was the best person in my life but she is essentially a ghost now. I am stuck alone with it. It haunts me but no one else can see it. They see a mess all about me and they are sorry. They carry on. I cannot see much of a point, but I try to carry on also, always something of a follower.

I have lost faith in other people. I have lost faith in myself as I grow to be more and more like them. I do not want to enter any new relationship, thinking this is enjoyable, this is possibly the person who will care for and appreciate me like I think I deserve. There is this underlying hope  in those thoughts that seems to be continually unmet. It is a hope that keeps you running in circles in your own haunted house.

This past relationship was my best. You could not always see it through the emotional instability of my depression, the stresses of my work and financial struggles, but I was the happiest I had been since I was a small child. There was not a romantic relationship I felt more sure about in my life. I did not once regret that this might be the last person to whom I had a serious attraction or for whom I had strong, romantic feelings.

I have dreams about her. I cannot even escape my thoughts of her in sleep. I want to scream at these specters to go away until my lungs collapse from the repeated effort. I want to hate her and get on with my life. But I cannot forget her tenderness when the rest of the world felt so hard and unrelenting. I cannot forget how her laugh made the tips of my toes and fingers sing with joy in a tiny, silent chorus. How her eyes made my anger and worries melt out of my pores and my days. I cannot thank her enough for all that she gave me. And yet all I can think about is myself and how much I wish this worked.

I am so angry at her for how easy this seems to be for her. But I do not know how easy it is for her. I am only projecting. But nonetheless, I feel like it should have been harder, and I am angry. Maybe not at her. But at myself, there is no doubt. I want to spit on my face and call myself a coward in the coldest hiss I can muster. I am so mad at myself for letting the insecurities that developed during a previous relationship affect this one. I am so mad at myself for not listening when she tried to talk, when I could not look past my fear of the relationship ending to see the problems that would end it. I am so mad at C for not trying harder to tell me. I am so mad at her for not giving me time to fix what I could. I am so mad at her for giving me up. I am so mad that the time I had to spend with my best friend and confidant, my lover and supporter, who both complemented and supplemented me, is over. I am so mad that my hope still lives on. Maybe you can make this work still, Nick. Maybe you were right. Maybe she loves you still and will want to be with you if you just bring it up one more time, Nick. Maybe the dreams will stop and you can hold her again. Maybe you can reaffirm that belief you have been taught throughout life--the one that there is someone out there for everyone. I know you want to stop believing that, but isn't she the best thing that's happened to you? Are you just going to give her up? Don't you love her?

And as my fingers slip and I let her go, I realize that I really do love her. And there is nothing wrong with that. That does not haunt me. I am sure I will love her for the rest of my life.

What haunts me is the hope I still hold for us. I always thought our love for each other was strong. I do not want to be wrong or else I have been lying to myself for a while now. I don't think I am wrong about that. But hope has served as nothing but a painful reminder of my loss. As Mad Max says in Fury Road, "Hope is a mistake you know. If you can't fix what's broken, you will go insane."

I hope she stays as she is--truly thoughtful and giving. The only broken things I can work on are the things I messed up on in the relationship. I will work on those. The insecurity, the jealousy, the dependence--those are the things I want to fix. Otherwise, I really will keep running in circles, going insane in this scary place.

How to Let Go of the Dreams You Did Not Even Know You Had?

I would like to go to sleep. But my mind reels and it churns, it dreams and it ponders, a lost poodle, eating a bug, hoping to provide an acceptable answer to its grumbling stomach.

She had just gotten back from a weekend trip in Vermont. I missed her terribly. She missed me too.

We had spoken before about her discovering she had a newfound attraction to women. We stayed together because she wanted to be with me despite that. Summer passed and we were apart, and I hoped that her feeling would remain the same--she would want to stay with me and her desire to act upon her recently-discovered sexuality would subside.

I went with her and her family on a nice vacation. 5 days. Then we drove up to New York together. She stayed with me at my apartment while she moved in and got her room ready. Then Vermont.

Now this.

I called my mother. I called my sister. I called my brother.

All missed calls.

I posted on a facebook group. Several responses telling me to message them. I don't even know any of them.

Spoke to an acquaintance about it because that's all I really have anymore. I had a best friend in her. Everyone else (aside from Peppy) kind of drops miles below her.

My sister calls me back. We both cry together. She tells me that I am an "amazing man," that she is "so proud" to call me her brother, and that she is glad that I could be the person who was there when C needed to discover her sexuality.

I am glad too. But a part of me is so selfish. I will never be able to forgive myself for saying, "Go home; we're breaking up." I hope C never forgets. I want her to find all that she is looking for, but god knows that I want her.

I hope C walks in the door as I finish typing this sentence...
maybe...
no.

I love her still. She loves me still (I wonder if she will still love me as long as I still love her). We did not want this. But I think we needed it.

I am so glad that I could be the person to help her along. I am. But it also feels like death. How to let go of the dreams you did not even know you had? The dreams had by your partner, the dreams talked about only in your deepest doldrums of slumber, the dreams you were about to have tonight, the dreams you shared and wish you could have back just for yourself, the ones with the beautiful green grass in front of a house under a glass sky where you could live until you died.

I will be right here, residing in that fading dream, for as long as it stays. I will wait right here, where it is oh-so-nice. Please, join me if you find that works for you. This dream is not the same without you.