How to Let Go of the Dreams You Did Not Even Know You Had?

I would like to go to sleep. But my mind reels and it churns, it dreams and it ponders, a lost poodle, eating a bug, hoping to provide an acceptable answer to its grumbling stomach.

She had just gotten back from a weekend trip in Vermont. I missed her terribly. She missed me too.

We had spoken before about her discovering she had a newfound attraction to women. We stayed together because she wanted to be with me despite that. Summer passed and we were apart, and I hoped that her feeling would remain the same--she would want to stay with me and her desire to act upon her recently-discovered sexuality would subside.

I went with her and her family on a nice vacation. 5 days. Then we drove up to New York together. She stayed with me at my apartment while she moved in and got her room ready. Then Vermont.

Now this.

I called my mother. I called my sister. I called my brother.

All missed calls.

I posted on a facebook group. Several responses telling me to message them. I don't even know any of them.

Spoke to an acquaintance about it because that's all I really have anymore. I had a best friend in her. Everyone else (aside from Peppy) kind of drops miles below her.

My sister calls me back. We both cry together. She tells me that I am an "amazing man," that she is "so proud" to call me her brother, and that she is glad that I could be the person who was there when C needed to discover her sexuality.

I am glad too. But a part of me is so selfish. I will never be able to forgive myself for saying, "Go home; we're breaking up." I hope C never forgets. I want her to find all that she is looking for, but god knows that I want her.

I hope C walks in the door as I finish typing this sentence...
maybe...
no.

I love her still. She loves me still (I wonder if she will still love me as long as I still love her). We did not want this. But I think we needed it.

I am so glad that I could be the person to help her along. I am. But it also feels like death. How to let go of the dreams you did not even know you had? The dreams had by your partner, the dreams talked about only in your deepest doldrums of slumber, the dreams you were about to have tonight, the dreams you shared and wish you could have back just for yourself, the ones with the beautiful green grass in front of a house under a glass sky where you could live until you died.

I will be right here, residing in that fading dream, for as long as it stays. I will wait right here, where it is oh-so-nice. Please, join me if you find that works for you. This dream is not the same without you.