I planned on posting in this blog daily.
Today is the first day after the creation of the blog and I am STRUGGLING to get something posted.
It is not my vision to make this blog one that is narcissistic and self-indulgent. So hopefully most of my posts will not be like this one. But Kurt Vonnegut, in his short essay "How to Write with Style," recommends that writers find a subject they care about. Well, I care about me (sometimes).
When I am caring for myself, now being one of those times, you can be sure to find that I assemble hordes of lists, lists that ultimately consume me from the inside out, top to bottom. You could say I obsess over making lists. It is organizational, it allows me to imagine an ideal world/self, and while I am making a list, I do not actually have to do anything!
Some of these lists include:
daily to-do lists (do the dishes that you didn't do yesterday/because you haven't done dishes in like two weeks);
lists that tell me the things that I want to get for my family members for their special days;
lists of things I need to invest in (e.g. an oil change);
lists of bills that I have to pay;
lists of movies I want to watch/books I want to read;
lists of daily affirmations that I will repeat to myself 10 times each morning until I believe them (actually someone else made one of these for me and I use that one);
and last but definitely not least, a list of goals that I have set for myself to accomplish.
These are usually an eclectic group of goals, but they are all similar in that they require my most disciplined and devoted frame of mind to complete. If I am to accomplish all of them, I certainly must sleep less than I do now.
I'll tell you what my goals are now. They hang in my bathroom, above the toilet, post-its stuck onto a neon pink posterboard.
GOAL #1: P90X
-Everyday
-Best Shape of your life!
Notes: Wow. What? Hard.
GOAL #2: READ
-2.5 books this summer
Notes: Okay, that's manageable, right? 2.5 books. That's not very much. Then consider that I began reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series in the 7th grade and did not finish it before graduating high school. In fact, still have not finished it. And I probably never will.
GOAL #3: JUST WRITE MORE!
-Take 30 min a day
Notes: This is where Sick of Not Caring comes in. But I'm not sure that 30 minutes a day is enough time devoted to this. For me, everything is such a process that by the time 30 minutes is up, I have only just taken out my pen and finished clipping my toenails.
GOAL #4: SAVE MONEY FOR FINANCIAL INVESTMENTS
-Look at list on phone
-Get as many hours at work as possible
Notes: I'm starting to realize that I cannot get the infinite hours at work I imagined. This equals no big bucks, which equals no sports cars.
Kidding. It equals still struggling to pay bills.
GOAL #5: PLAY A BUNCH OF TENNIS
Notes: I want to win this tennis tournament in July because if I do I get a bonus at my teaching pro position. Plus, I'm kind of competitive.
There are more, but I think I'll spare you.
Each one of these goals has an interesting obstacle. Most notably is time. I spend a large slice of my day just thinking and daydreaming. I spend another large slice taking care of my dog. Then a third and fourth slice on sleeping. I have 4 slices left, but, by then, I am not very hungry to accomplish anything. I would rather play arcade games and drink soda. But this very desire is why goals are important to me.
They give me a direction. I often daydream and think about purpose in life (nope, have not found it yet--but droning in front of video games does not make me feel good about myself), and these lists and goals help me do things instead of shriveling into a little ball in my bed and ignoring the world until my landlord is forced to evict me because I have not gone into work or paid rent.
After making the goals, I put them on my Google calendar. That syncs to my phone and reminds me that I have things to do. That's helpful for when I get too involved in a game of Candy Crush. A notification pops up and I think, "Oh, shit. It's time to work out my legs and back with Tony Horton. I don't want to do that. But I know I need to in order to get into the 'Best Shape of my life!', so I guess I will. Ugh." But then I do it.
When I'm struggling to get things done (as I am with this blog post), goal-setting and then assigning the activity that will help me reach that goal to a specific block of time really helps me through. It also helps when I feel like I have lost my individuality. Sometimes, I find that I am devoting all of my free energy and thought to my girlfriend, family and dog and I forget to do things for myself. Goal-setting has been my answer for finding my bearings. My only worry is that I am spreading myself too thin sometimes. But I am giving this all a fair shot this summer. And I will keep you posted.
Are there things you do when you're losing touch with yourself, your motivation or individuality..? If comfortable, share in the comments!
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