Jurassic World: Why Bother? A Rant Review

Jurassic World in 3-freaking-D. That was the proposition I was faced with last week.

There was so much hype. How could I possibly turn down an offer like that? I could not. I am a fan of Chris Pratt (I watch a lot of Parks and Recreation) and I loved Jurassic Park when I was tot. Without much ado, I withdrew 10% of my account funds so that I could pay my friend back for the ticket.

We got there a few minutes early and the theater was surprisingly vacant. There were people there--it just was not jam-packed the way you would expect a blockbuster to be.  By the time the previews started, a huge crowd of young twenty-somethings came in with flat-rimmed hats, tight jeans, fashionable watches and straightened hair. Luckily for us, they only decided to sit right in front of us. You know the type. Drop-dead hilarious quips to nearly every line that elicits even the slightest internal reaction for you. Or talking about that sick party last night where so-and-so was so funny, he was so wasted, shit, man.

I couldn't wait to accompany them to the parking lot after the feature so that I could sneak a glimpse at their 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipses and marvel at the blue headlights and the maddeningly loud rumbles coming from their exhaust pipes.

I really liked them.

Anyway, from this point on, there may be some minor spoiler alerts, I guess. I say that with some detachment because, come on, do you really think anything unexpected is going to happen in this movie?

If you have seen Jurassic Park, you basically already know what happens. Kids go to the park. Dinosaur escapes. Kids run. Adults save kids, but a lot of adults also die. Raptors and T-Rexes make appearances throughout because it would disappoint those flat-rimmed kids A LOT if they did not. Frankly, I would also be a little disappointed. But would that not be fresh?

No, silly me. You know what is fresh? Here, go ahead and guess. What do you think could possibly be more exciting than just a plain Jane Velociraptor and a been-there-done-that Tyrannosaurus Rex? 

Thinking?

Got it yet?

If you answered, 

A GIGANTIC AMALGAM DINOSAUR THAT COMBINES BOTH THE T-REX AND THE RAPTOR, PLUS SOME DNA FROM CREATURES THAT WOULD MAKE IT LIKE A SUPER-POWERED VILLAINOUS DINOSAUR,
then you are correct!

AMAZING.

They call it Indominus Rex.

Again, amazing.

What else could make it exciting? Oh, I know--involve the military. Who does not love a dirty, scandalous ex-soldier who wants to use the dinosaurs for his own insidious interests? It really throws me for a loop, it is so darn original. Plus it allows for the itty bitty soldiers to fire their itty bitty guns at the GIGANTIC AMALGAM DINOSAUR.

I hate it.

Let us not forget about the love interest. Claire Dearing plays an overstretched park manager who has lost touch with what makes the park "great" (sigh). She is cold to Chris Pratt, and they banter and bicker upon first sight in the movie (mostly Chris, he is actually a huge asshole). The rest of the movie is Wooing Time for Chris Pratt, as the damsel in distress could use some saving in her high heels, designer outfit and slick hairdo. It is only a matter of time before she herself becomes a(n extremely sexualized) badass in heels and realizes that Chris is the one for her because every woman who probably just lost their job and all future employment opportunities only wants a hunky (/douchey) man, right?

Onto another plot point. The raptors can be trained. Chris Pratt is their alpha, as can be gathered from the trailers. The soldier guy wants them to be used for war. To Chris Pratt, and any viewer who has been watching any of the movie at all, that desire is far from fathomable. It is cringe-worthy that so much time is spent building up this plot point (essentially the entire movie) because you already know that it will not work out. It's like listening to a 2-hour joke when you already know the punchline. 

To segway, I just want to say, I love dogs. AMERICA loves dogs. We love predators (thus Jurassic's success). We are fascinated by violence. Which is why we like the dinosaurs that can kill. And what better than senseless killing machines like Indominus Rex? The dinosaurs we are familiar with--raptors! And to ensure we cannot dislike them, the moviemakers made them just like our favorite living animal. Raptors in this movie are just wild dogs. They react like dogs, they are trained like dogs, they turn their heads in a cute little way at Chris Pratt and have this unbelievable sense of loyalty comparable to their mammalian counterparts. But I just want to say, how cheap. Buy my love with some unique storytelling instead of imprinting our favorite animal onto our favorite dinosaur.

Essentially, Jurassic World is the equivalent of Indominus Rex. It is a sorry, sensationalized combination of things, much like something that has been done before, created solely to sell tickets. Right to its very end, Jurassic World is just asking, how can we make this movie as loud and flashy as your Mitsubishi Eclipse? It is certainly as dated, as hard as it pushes for a semblance of newness. Raptor and T-Rex team up to defeat the Indominus Rex at the end (with the help of mosasaur..?) and the way I see it, yeah, the classic dinosaurs (and story, of course) of Jurassic Park are significantly more adequate, novel and entertaining than the childish, quasi-imaginative "concepts" of Jurassic World.

All in all, I have to say I was very disappointed. If you decide to go watch it, that's fair, obviously. You should decide for yourself if it is any good. Just do not forget your flat-brimmed hat at home lest you feel left out.