Workout Tips #1

I have gotten several fan letters requesting that I post workout tips. For all of you workout plebes, here you go--I hope you enjoy! Trade secrets!

The focus of this particular "Workout Tips" post will be home workouts.

PREPARATION
1. Make sure you have all of your workout equipment (e.g. pull-up bar, dumbbells, chairs, towel, water bottle).
2. Get yourself mentally prepared for the grueling workout ahead.
3. If you do not live alone, lock yourself in a secluded space so that no one can see you working out. You would not be doing a home workout if you felt comfortable with others watching you. And I mean, anyway, it is kind of embarrassing when you're grunting, all of your blood turning your head purple as you try to do one more push up and meanwhile your mom is trying to watch Pitch Perfect a few feet to your right. Other people just cannot seem to understand you. It is what makes you special, unique. It is a blessing and a curse.

WORKOUT
1. Place a mirror in your line of sight so you have something to look at in between exercises.
2. Turn off the fans and take your shirt off to produce a beautiful, glistening sweat for your viewing pleasure.
3. Be deathly silent, so as not to alert anyone that you are working out in the bathroom or your sibling's walk-in closet.

COOLDOWN
1. Skip the stretches and stare at yourself in the mirror.
2. Continue doing that.
3. Quietly pack up all of your equipment and wipe yourself down so no one suspects a thing.

RECOVERY
1. Make a smoothie with some organic bananas and junk, claiming you saw it on the Food Network.
2. Watch some Parks & Rec with some Ben & Jerry's because you can do whatever the hell you damn well want. But not because you just secretly worked out. By the way, if it seems like it is a lot of work to hide that you just worked out, it is because it is, but imagine how embarrassing it would be to reveal that you did work out but have been going through great lengths to hide it until now.
Just. Stick with. The plan.
3. If anyone asks where you have been, just say, "What," and make no eye contact.


There you go! Let me know how it goes, and as always, happy healthy living!